Liveblog: Twinkletoes vs. the Monsters of the Midway

Some Monday Night games seem designed to provide the answers to "What if?" questions. As in, "What would happen if the most ferocious defense of the last twenty years met A) the worst offensive line in the league, and B) A glamour-boy rookie quarterback that half the country would like to see knocked on his butt?"

Strangely enough, both A and B are in play tonight. Saturday night at Buffalo Wild Wings, I had two people notice my USC t-shirt and say, "I hope your guy is all right." Meaning, they were hoping not that Matt Leinart would win or play well or even not disgrace himself. They meant that that when those 11 two-legged meatgrinders known as the Chicago Bears defense put Leinart in the hospital, it was hoped that the stay would not be overlong.

What this Bears defense would do to Leinart was, it appeared, the theme of the weekend. During "Monday Night Countdown," Michael Irvin said, "I hope the Cardinals are ready to dial 911." During the preview to the start of the game, Mike Ditka said, "Matt Leinart better have that bronzed Heisman Trophy with him. He'll have to use it to beat off that ferocious Chicago front seven."

So, a liveblog.

7:43: Kickoff to the Bears, run back to the 47. On to the field comes Rex Grossman, the new, new thing.

7:46. Bears punt. First down: pass in the flat to Anquon Boldin. Five-yard gain.

7:76. Second down: Hand-off to Edge. Nothing.

7:47. Third and five. Pass to Jackson. First down. Kornheiser says the Cardinals should quit right now. "You've got the first down, get in your cars, drive home, say that you got a first down against the Bears!" Oh ho ho ho.

7:48. Nine-yard completion to Pope. Astrogirl asks me, "Is Kornheiser Joe Morgan's best friend? They're both such assholes."

7:50. Hand-off to Edge, first down.

7:51. Edge. Nine yards.

7:51. Edge up the middle. First down.

7:51. Leinart pass complete, first down. The sound you hear is Kornheiser backpedalling better than Champ Bailey in the flat.

7:52. Edge for five. Second on the Bears' fifteenth. Now Kornheiser thinks this game could be the "movie of Leinart's life." Mike Tirico asks, "Didn't you just say they should go home?" Kornheiser: "Well, nobody remembers what I say." We should live so long.


7:53. Leinart to Brian Johnson--who slips through the Bears' defense for a touchdown. Kornheiser is now officially Leinart's best friend. I mean, this is pathetic. 7-0 Cardinals.

8:03. Bears, three and out. Leinart, back on the field.

8:06. Third-and-two, Leinart makes the first inexcusable mistake of the night, trying to thread the needle. Matt, you can't do that. Ruled an interception, challenged by Green . . . and . . .

8:08. Joe Theismann, with an assist from Tirico, gives us the nine millionth rendition of the Coach's Challenge theme song--only with a twist: "Remember. The evidence has got to be conclusive."

Tiricio (nervously): "Uh, irrefutable."

Theisman: "Irrefewwwwtable."

This, apparently, is a big deal.

I always look forward to The Dissertation of the First Coach's Challenge, which thrills me as much as, in a game when John Madden is broadcasting, I always look forward to the first time a quarterback throws the ball away, because I know what will follow is Madden's windy, word-for-word-never-changes explanation of the intentional grounding rule: "See, he was outside the tackle box . . . what you call the tackle box is kinda the hashmarks . . . but he was outside the tackle box and he threw it while outside the tackle box and it went past the line of scrimmage, which is different from the tackle box in that the tackle box is kinda the hash marks." Really, my favorite moment in any Madden game.

8:10. The challenge goes the Cardinals' way. Punt.

8:16. Third down, Bears. Grossman's pass intercepted by Francisco, who runs it back inside the thirty.

8:18. Leinart passes to Boldin, who dashes through the Bears secondary. 14-0. Now Kornheiser announces that he wants to suckle Leinart's forthcoming child so they might "raise it as our own." Okay, I made that up.

8:33: Grossman throws the ball that Cardinal Hayes would have to duck to avoid. Interception.

8:38. Cardinals, third and long at the Bears' thirty. Charles Barkley, demonstrating the flair for the dramatically inopportune that is clearly the prototype of every booth-visitor in every sporting event ever broadcasted, seeks to interject himself at what, clearly, is the tipping point in the game. "They're going to score," Barkley says. Incomplete pass.

This is the state of prediction-making by a generation of Americans raised on "The McGlaughlin Group"--either directly or by osmosis. The key is to make the craziest, most outlandish prediction possible. If it comes through, you're a sage. If not, nobody remembers.

8:39. Missed field goal. Not to channel Barkley, but they can't let these opportunities go.

8:48. Rex Grossman is tackled and doesn't even come close to not fumbling away. Cards' ball.

8:55. Leinart goes three and out (including a stupid penalty). Field goal--which feels like a victory for the Bears. 17-0. Should be 21-0 at least, maybe 28-0.

8:59. Bears, third-and-short. Grossman, back to pass. He absolutely, postively not-even-close fails to not fumble. Cardinal ball, inside the thirty.

9:00. Theisman: "Cardinals need a touchdown right here. Seventeen doesn't do it. Twenty doesn't do it."

Kornheiser: "Hey, I've got your momentum right here."

(A slight pause, while we pay tribute to the most intelligent Kornheiser comment of the night.)

9:05. Third and long, inside the fifteen. Leinart throws underneath, complete,but not enough for the first. Barkley says, "Awww, he should have gone for the juggler." Then: "I'll tell you one thing. Twenty doesn't win this game."

I hate those comments, mostly because I agree with both of them.

9:10. Field goal. 20-0. Won't be enough.

9:25. Start of second half. Cardinals, three and out.

9:29. Third and short. Bear running back Jones makes the first down, barely, close enough for a measurement. "They did not make it," Theisman insists. "They did not make it. They are six inches short."

In what is already perfectly clear to anyone watching the game, first down. "Just like I said it," Theisman says, prompting the requisite fake laughter from all. As Phil Mushnick wondered this morning in the New York Post, what would all these fake-laughers do if anyone actually said something funny?

9:31. Bears, first and goal.

9:35. Three plays later, Bears, fourth and goal. And this is why I like college football so much better than pro football. With a 20-0 deficit, the Bears needed three touchdowns to go ahead. Anyone knows this. Now, with a field goal, how many touchdowns do they need to go ahead? Three. Somehow, the Pete Carrolls and Mack Browns and Tim Tesslers of the world are wired to the realities of a deficit; simply "putting points on the board" becomes subordinate to everything.

9:40. One Bear blunder after another (kickoff out of bounds, roughing the kicker on a Cardinal punt), but the Cardinals don't seem to make anything of it . . .

9:45. And with that, Leinart throws a seventeeen-yard completion to Boldin for the first down. Biggest offensive play of the half.

9:50. No, this is the biggest Cardinal offensive play of the half: complete for a first down to that old Trojan nemesis, Lavar Arrington. Inside the twenty.

9:53. Rackers field goal. 23-3, Cardinals. Back we're we started, 13 minutes ago.

10:02. After a good punt, Leinart is hit from behind, when Oliver Ross lets Mark Anderson proceed, unblocked and unnoticed, to Leinart's blind side. Fumble, Bear recovery, touchdown. 23-10.

Gentlemen, we have a game.

A few minutes ago, Theisman was talking about how this was the fourth offensive unit the Cardinals had deployed this season. Kornheiser said, "I think this is one unit they'll stick with." Yeah, and what I wouldn't give to be Ross on film day, listening to Denny Green go into full meltdown mode.

10:08. Okay, I confess. What is the point of the Levi's Stevie Wonder "Superstition" commercial? That the jeans have a mind of their own, or a life, or something? Is this a commercial based on the Jackie Chan's The Tuxedo?

10:10. Out of the time-out, a first-down throw, Leinart to Boldin. This was what Leinart exceeded at so many times at USC: waiting for a spot where Trojan fans would say, "Crap, we're in trouble," and immediately doing something reassuring.

10:11. Edge. First down. Vet that he is, he makes sure to stay in-bounds. Classy.

10:12. Wait. How many Bears defenders have been carted off? Five? Sixteen? Michelle TaFoya, give us a total.

10:17. Bears, third down. Grossman, incomplete, thanks to Eric Green going Jack Tatum on a receiver. Punt.

10:21. Hey, did you know that the 1985 Bears had a 12-0 record, then went to Miami to play the Dolphins, the only team to go undefeated, on Monday Night Football? And then the Bears lost to the Dolphins, in the highest rated Monday Night game ever? And then the Bears went on to win the Super Bowl that year? Thought I'd pass that along.

10:24. Bears, thirteen points down. Ten minutes to go. Bears' ball, Cards territory. This is the game.

10:29. Fourth down. Bears go for it. Grossman's pass . . . tipped, tipped, juggled, tipped, and finally brought in by the Cardinal' Darnell Dockett, who lands on a Bear, gets up, and runs for a touchdown . . . only the entire officiating crew realizes that Dockett was down by contact and moves to set up the extra point as slowly as road graders, hoping that Lovie Smith will throw the red flag and save them from themselves. Challenge, reverse. Cards' ball.

10:36. Quick three and out. Not good.

10:40. Second-down, Grossman's pass absolutely, completely, platonically, super-duper fantastically does not come close to not being intercepted. Six Bear turnovers.

10:43. Officially, the craziest game I have ever seen. Urlacher rips the ball from Edge, Bear Mike Tillman picks it up runs it in. Two touchdowns from the defense. Incredible. 23-17. Not happening.

10:46. A decent return by Arrington . . . who then gives it all back by spiking the ball and is called for "talenting." Fifteen yards. Talenting? This is a penalty?

10:48. Leinart throws, first-down to Boldin. Huge play.

10:48. Brian Urlacher has officially declared Edge his bitch.

10:52. Punt to Bear Devin Hester . . . who runs it back for a touchdown. 24-23 Bears. Unfreakingbelievable.

11:00. Leinart drives the bulk of the field. First down, USC at the thirty. Field-goal range.

11:02. Fourth down. Fifty-three seconds to go. Racker on for the kick. And . . .

11:03. Wide left.

11:05. And that's your ballgame, folks. 24-23 Bears.

I'm not a Cardinal fan. And I'm pissed.

Update: The morning after. I went back, fixed the grammar in a few spots, inserted some apostrophes, but let two blunders stand. First, my excoriation of the Bears for kicking the field goal when down 20 points, when all it did was help give Chicago the winning margin. The second was from Brendan Loy, aka The Irish Trojan, who pointed out that I wrote "First down, USC," instead of, "First down, Cardinaals," on the final drive. I wish I had done that on purpose. Consider where my head was at.

Leinart will have better days.

Update: Reader isuquinn writes: "The penalty was for TAUNTING not TALENTING. :) Talenting is not a penalty like you said." I stand corrected.