Friday, May 19, 2006

The Sports Guy Guy

Bill Simmons, as I've written, is a hero to bloggers everyone, the fellow who quit his job as a sportswriter for the Boston Herald, poured every spare penny into his own personal website, and by dint of effort rose to be The Sports Guy, probably (far and away) the most popular feature on ESPN.com, albeit on Page 2.

The reasons for his full popularity are in full flower with today's feature, his monthly mailbag, during which Simmons inveighs not only on sports, but on the portions of the American pageant a sports freak might be drawn toward, such as "24," Las Vegas, "Survivor," how to deal with a non-sports mate, and which NBA player a straight male might wish to, um, get cozy with.

One characteristic of a great writer is that he seems to be writing just for you; you read, and go yes, and yes, and yes again. When I was young, Richard Braughtigan and Kurt Vonnegut did the trick; later on, Frederick Exley and John Updike; later, Nabokov and Edmund Wilson. Now, this guy. My sentiments are reflected not only in him, but in his readers. One example:

Q: I feel like a teenage girl who was saving myself for Mr. Right but through no fault of my own ended up pregnant in the trailer park with Mr. Mario Williams. Almost three months of my life wasted listening to talk radio and checking the sites and waiting for Reggie with bated breath. My man crush was already in full effect and I was planning my Madden season. I am a grown man with a beautiful wife, good job, and soon a house in the 'burbs. And I just teared up a little bit. I hate sports.
-- Josh, Houston, Texas


SG: And that's why the Texans had to take Reggie Bush -- it's one thing to make a shaky personnel decision, it's another thing to kick your fans in the teeth. I'm becoming more and more convinced that every professional sports team needs to hire a Vice President of Common Sense, someone who cracks the inner circle of the decision-making process along with the GM, assistant GM, head scout, head coach, owner and whomever else. One catch: the VP of CS doesn't attend meetings, scout prospects, watch any film or listen to any inside information or opinions; he lives the life of a common fan. They just bring him in when they're ready to make a big decision, lay everything out and wait for his unbiased reaction.

I mention this only because the Texans would have called in their VP of CS on the night before the draft, explained their Mario Williams plan, and then the VP would have scratched his forehead and said, "Wait, why would we pass on Reggie Bush? Our fans will be devastated -- we can't do that to them. Plus, what if he's fantastic on another team? What if he takes the league by storm? Our fans will be catatonic. Can we even risk it? Why would we risk it? Can't we just take Bush? What's wrong with taking Reggie Bush?"

And then everyone in the room would have gone, "Hmmmmmmmm."


As a Houstonian, I endorse both the letter and the response. As I've said repeatedly, Charlies Casserly, as GM of the Texans, performed the impossible: he has turned Houston, Texas, into a baseball town.

And now he's off to the NFL comissioner's office in some capacity. I fear for football. Can a whole sport finish in last place?

Simmons's entire column is like the above, including a slap-down of some presumptive Vegas tourists who deserve a slap-down:

Q: A few buddies and I are heading to Vegas in about a month. We'll be there for three nights. Where should we stay? We're debating between The Flamingo, The Luxor, and The Tropicana, in that order. Any thoughts or suggestions?
-- Ryan, Arlington, Va.


SG: What are you guys, homeless? If you're looking for a cheap casino, stay at the Monte Carlo -- it's right on the Strip, the dealers are always friendly, there's a surprisingly good vibe there, and they hire their cocktail waitresses directly off the pages of Juggs Magazine. I think it's right around the same price as the three casinos you mentioned, with the added bonus that you might have water pressure in your bathroom and a bed cover that isn't carrying 15,000 different forms of DNA.

Another underrated place is the new Westin casino, right across from Bally's -- the rooms are nice and nobody ever gambles there, so you can play $5 blackjack and crap tables until you pass out. I had a phenomenal craps run there three months ago -- maybe my greatest since the magical Gallo-Simmons Foxwoods run in 1999 that received its own SportsCentury episode -- although it was a little tainted when everyone else at the table didn't applaud at the end. I mean, I carried that table for 40 minutes -- we were a good 10-15 minutes past the whole "Let's applaud this guy for a great effort" point and probably seeping into "I have to catch his eye, give him a nod and profusely thank him for what just happened" territory.

Actually, screw that, I'm not recommending the Westin. I still feel cheated over the whole thing. Stay at the Monte Carlo.


I rather enjoy the Westin, but my enjoyment raises a point. The Westin's rooms are new, clean, with a kind of art deco theme. I went there in March, paid for by McGraw-Hillm, for a professors' forum, and discovered again the sublime thrill John Updike has mentioned, of getting on an airplane with a ticket someone else has paid for. My only problem with the rooms is this: when is anyone in a hotel room in Las Vegas? Most people I know use Vegas hotel rooms to sleep and dress for dinner. This last time, I checked into my room at noon on a Thursday and thought, "Cool, great room," and then I checked out twenty-four hours later and thought, "Shouldn't I have gotten more use out of such a nice room?"

And this is every time I go to Vegas.

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