Bronx Bummers

Opening day at the glistening new Stadium. Anthem by Bernie, first ball courtesy of Yogi, first homer by Georgie, out-his-ass start by CC, and . . .

. . . thanks, bullpen. No really--as they say in the sixth grade, no applause, just throw money.

Nine runs. If Dave Eiland were throwing batting practice from behind a screen, it's hard to see the Indians scoring as many.

If CC, AJ, Lefty, Joba and Mo stay healthy this year, the Yankees may give up more runs in innings seven and eight then the other seven innings combined. No, really: I'm not kidding. This may actually happen. Throw out Wang's starts, it might be true already. (Wang, we'll save for another day.)

AJ and CC seem--early early early on--the real thing. Joba is young and strong and is headed for great things. Pettitte will, barring injury, give you his 200 innings and 14 wins. Mo is Mo. Wang, at the moment, is a bonus, and we're talking about a pitcher who was on year-by-year Cy Young watch until that dreadful Father's Day in Houston when he rounded third and ended his season.

Early on, Jeter and Posada are partying like it's 1999. Someone kicked Cano in the butt. Gardner hasn't embarrassed himself. Swisher has been that rara avis: the bench player who disrupts his manager's Grand Plan by playing well enough to force himself into the starting lineup. (The last timer I saw this happen, Hunter Pence did it to the Astros, batting like .460 in Spring Training and screwing up all of Phil Garner's plans. Garner still sent Pence down to Triple-A--for a month, before finally giving in.)

So where are we left? Looking for set-up men who look like they're not auditioning for Eastbound and Down.

Meanwhile, Astro-Girl, in heaven because of the 'Stros two-game winning streak, decided to concentrate on a potential trip to Louisvill next spring. I mentioned the Muhammad Ali Museum.

Astro-Girl: They have a Muhammad Ali Museum in Louisville?
Me: Yes. Plus a Horse Museum.
AG: They have a museum filled with horses?
Me: No, mostly horse memorabilia. Statues of horses.
AG: Like who?
Me: Secretariat. Out front.
AG: They make a horse stand out front?
Me: No. His statue.
AG: They make him stand next to his statue?
Me: The horse doesn't stand anywhere. He's been dead for thirty years.
AG (wrinkling nose): But woudn't he smell by now?
Me: No, the horse is in the ground.
AG: But you said he was out front. Is he out front in the ground?
Me: No, his STATUE is out front. In front of Churchill Downs.
AG: Did Winston Churchill live there?
Me: No.
AG: Is that why they named it after him?
Me: NO. He never lived there.
AG: Then why did they name it after him?

Say goodnight, Gracie